


Nobody Invites the Police

by NonsenseRequired



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Human AU, M/M, Stripper AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2265876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NonsenseRequired/pseuds/NonsenseRequired
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lars is visited by a stripper by the name of Mathias who seems to have mistakenly knocked on the wrong door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nobody Invites the Police

The chime of the doorbell cut through the otherwise silent apartment, causing Lars to nearly drop the cigarette from his mouth in his surprise. He scowled, eyeing the clock mounted above the hearth. It was the middle of the damn night, who in their right mind would be going around ringing doorbells at this ungodly hour? Grumbling to himself, he stood from where he had been slouched against the sofa cushions, making his way to the door, the room illuminated only by the flickering blue light cast by the television that he hadn’t really been paying much attention to. With a final indignant huff he slid back the deadbolt and yanked the door open, fully prepared to give his unsolicited caller a piece of his mind. But no words came, and this time he really did drop his cigarette.

Standing in the dimly lit hallway with one lean, muscled arm stretched up to rest against the doorframe with the other hand planted on his cocked hip stood a man with voluminous golden hair and half-lidded sky blue eyes, a coy smile playing across his lips. As Lars’s eyes travelled downward, his eyes stretched wide at the skintight crop top that vaguely resembled a police uniform and tiny matching shorts that left very little to the imagination. Garters held a tall pair of black leather boots to the hem of the shorts and a gaudy patch had been stitched onto his breast pocket, the title “Love Enforcement” embroidered in pink loopy letters. Were he not in the predicament he was in at the moment Lars would have laughed.

“I received a noise complaint from the neighbors,” the man drawled, and Lars’s eyes shot back up to witness a tongue dart out and swipe across the stranger’s lip, followed by a sly grin. “It’s much too quiet in here.” He moved to step inside and Lars, previously dumbfounded, quickly came back to himself. He lurched backwards, throwing his hands up defensively.

“O-okay,” he spluttered. “I’m not sure who the hell you are, but I know for a fact I did not invite you here.”

“Nobody invites the police,” the man purred, his hips swaying as he took another step towards Lars, who promptly took another back.

“No,” he tried again, desperation inching its way into his voice. “I mean I didn’t hire a—a stripper.”

The stranger froze, his luminous eyes wide. “What?” he forced a laugh, his flirtatious pretense shattering. “What do you mean? Of course you did.”

“I am absolutely positive that I didn’t,” Lars deadpanned, slightly bothered by the fact that it took more effort than it should have to keep his gaze trained on the man’s face rather than… elsewhere.

“You have to have,” the stripper leaned sideways to get a better look at the apartment number. “I’m sure I have the right place.”

Lars blew an exasperated sigh through his nose. “Do I look like I was expecting you?”

“Well, no, but…” The two lapsed into an uncomfortable silence, an uneasy grin spreading across the man’s face. “Whoops,” he said much too cheerfully, hooking his thumbs into the tiny front pockets of his shorts and rocking back on his heels.

Lars bit back a retort. He for one thought the situation merited a little more than a simple “whoops”. “If that’s all,” he grumbled, stepping back to swing the door shut. “Good night.”

“Wait!” the man pitched forward, slamming a hand to the door to keep it propped open. Lars suddenly found them face-to-face.

“If you ever change your mind, here’s my card…” he reached into his back pocket—and really with how tight the shorts were it was a wonder he could fit anything in there—and retrieved a small, neon pink card with bold black lettering. The name Mathias Køhler was printed above a silhouetted picture of a—oh god—pair of handcuffs.

Mathias smirked. “You’re all red.”

“You’re too damn close to my face,” Lars retorted in a growl, planting his hand firmly on the blond’s face and pushing him backwards.

He laughed good-naturedly, staggering backwards and smirking as he turned to leave. “Seriously though,” he lifted his hand to imitate the shape of a phone to his ear. “Call me so I can come back for real.” He left with a flash of white teeth and a cheeky wink, leaving Lars flustered and red-faced. As he closed the door with a little more force than necessary, he was glad nobody was around to see him slip the little pink card into his pocket.

**Author's Note:**

> First fic uploaded, re-uploaded from my Tumblr! I hope you enjoy and I am genuinely sorry for the existence of this ridiculous drabble. Feedback is appreciated, shout-outs of errors I have made are even more appreciated!


End file.
